I was at an event when I started chatting with a lovely woman who owns her own business.

She is successful. Busy. Constantly doing something.

At one point in our conversation, she said something that caught my attention:

“I think I have ADHD.”

I asked her, “What makes you think that?”

She told me she was constantly forgetting things. She felt distracted. She would start doing one thing and then remember two other priorities that needed her attention.

She felt like she was all over the place.

And I said, “Okay. I can understand why you might wonder about that. But tell me a little bit about your life and everything you're dealing with.”

That was when the list started.

She runs her own business.

She is married.

She manages much of what needs to happen at home.

She has a son who boxes, and she drives him to practices and events and supports his goals.

She does her own marketing.

She manages all the moving pieces that come with running a successful business.

And on top of that, she is also a baker.

She is working, planning, remembering, organizing, driving, marketing, managing—and constantly thinking about what needs to happen next.

So I asked her:

“Is it possible you're simply carrying too much?”

She paused.

Then she said, “Some days I definitely feel that way.”

And that is when we started talking about mental load.

Maybe It's Worth Asking a Different Question

To be clear, ADHD is a real condition, and ongoing concerns about attention, memory or concentration deserve a conversation with a qualified healthcare professional.

But I think there is another question many women also need to ask:

How much am I asking my brain to carry every single day?

Mental load isn't simply having a busy schedule.

It is the invisible work of having to remember, anticipate, organize, plan and keep track of everything that needs to happen.

It's remembering your son's schedule.

Thinking about the client you haven't followed up with.

Knowing you need groceries.

Remembering the appointment you have to book.

Thinking about next month's marketing.

Planning dinner while you're sitting in a meeting.

Remembering the email you meant to send while you're trying to finish something else.

Individually, none of these things seems enormous.

The problem is that your brain isn't carrying one of them.

It is carrying all of them at once.

And eventually, something gets forgotten.

You walk into a room and can't remember why you went there.

You read an email and forget to respond.

You start one task and get pulled into another.

You wake up in the middle of the night thinking:

“Oh my God. I forgot to do that.”

You feel scattered.

Distracted.

Exhausted.

And sometimes you start wondering:

What is happening to me?

We Didn't Always Have a Name for It

When I think about mental load, I often think about my mom.

She had a full-time job, but she was also the person who carried much of the invisible management of our family.

She planned the meals and bought the groceries.

She booked the appointments and remembered when everyone needed to be there.

She arranged after-school care when she couldn't get home.

She planned the vacations, bought the tickets and packed for everyone.

My dad contributed in many ways, but my mom was the one holding an enormous amount of the family schedule in her head.

And sometimes she forgot things.

Sometimes she would walk into a room and completely forget why she had gone in there.

I used to laugh.

Now?

I completely understand.

Because somewhere along the way, I took on much of the same pattern.

Then I Became the Woman Carrying It

I have experienced mental load through almost every stage of my adult life.

University.

Corporate roles.

Building a business.

Marriage.

Motherhood.

Managing a household.

Supporting family.

Taking care of my in-laws.

And once you're managing more than your own life, the number of moving parts grows very quickly.

Your workday may end.

Your mind often doesn't.

I've had nights when I've woken up because I suddenly remembered something I forgot to do. I've gotten out of bed to write it down because I knew that if I didn't, my brain would keep working on it.

Your body is in bed. Your brain is still on duty.

That is a very different kind of exhaustion.

Successful Women Can Still Be Overloaded

This is the part I want more women to hear.

You can be successful and over loaded

You can be highly capable and mentally exhausted.

You can be the woman everyone relies on and still feel like you are struggling to keep everything straight.

Those things can exist at the same time.

In fact, I think part of the problem is that capable women become very good at carrying a lot.

We handle it.

We figure it out.

We make things happen.

And because we can, more keeps getting added.

Until eventually the brain starts pushing back.

Forgetfulness.

Difficulty concentrating.

Overthinking.

Decision fatigue.

Irritability.

Exhaustion.

Feeling constantly behind.

Never completely switching off.

At some point, instead of immediately asking,

“What's wrong with me?”

perhaps we also need to ask:

“How much am I carrying?”

Because those are two very different questions.

And the answer to the second one may reveal something important.

Maybe you don't need to become better at carrying everything.

Maybe you need to carry less.

That's the conversation I think more of us need to start having.